03-09-2005, 

04:55 AM 

focus 

selfish asshole 

This probably belongs in the padded room.... but whatever. My girlfriend's a great girl. She's cute and fun, and at times we connect well.... BUT, she doesn't ski, she doesn't bike -- shit, she won't even go for a walk in the woods -- which wouldn't bother me if she didn't give me a bitch of a guilt trip whenever I suggest cutting into "our" time to go do those things. I've had 3 full days of skiing this year....otherwise i work in half-days while she's at work. She likes to sit on the couch, and watch mindless sitcoms, comedies, or reality shows. Which are fine, occasionally. I'm more of a drama guy, myself -- but we don't watch what I want to watch, cuz i really don't care what's on the tv. I don't really even like tv that much. We work together. I hired her, started dating her, and then stepped down to a part time position to go back to school -- upon which she got promoted to my previous position, my boss. I think this is part of the reason why it's lasted as long as it has -- fights affect everything, and it's easiest just to go along with the flow. (this is a big mistake! don't ever date somebody you work above or under -- it's the big suck once the novelty's worn off.) Now she's getting a transfer she's been bitching for -- to milwaukee. she leaves at the end of this week. It's been assumed that I'll quit school again after the semester, move to milwaukee, and get a job, maybe go to school part-time. We'll get married, have kids... I'll support us w/ my nonexistent degree..... ..... why is this difficult? I think I know the right thing to do...but.... I'm too big a pussy to break somebody's heart... every time I feel like *such* an asshole... and I do love this girl. I could be happy with her if I sidelined all my other passions.... 

You knew me who I am before we started dating. You knew I didn't ski or bike. I said Iwanted to learn... if YOU taught me.... but you offered to ditch me with a ski instructor. When I work all day, come home and make dinner for you, clean up, do your laundry, go to bed, etc. there isn't much time in a day to go biking or skiing.  I just want to relax a little bit. I'm sure that when I think I'll have time with you I'm excited to spend time with you and am disappointed to find out I won't see you. It's like I'm good enough to feed you, clean up after you, and pay the bills, but not good enough to spend free time with. I never told you to not go do something you love, only that I thought you'd be able to spend time with me. On top of this, what have you tried to get into that I enjoy? Have you tried to come up with some new things we want to try together? Moving to Milwaukee was not a suprise to you, it was more that you didn't really think I'd ever actually do it. You were ok with what was going on while it was your way and as soon as there was a change in the circumstances, when things got a little tough for you, you want to bail. You were the one who told me that marriage was important to you, that you wanted it, you wanted it with me, and you wanted to have kids with me. You were the one who told me that you wanted to wait until we didn't work together and then wanted to marry me. I didn't change, you did.  You freaked out as soon as you had to give a little bit.  You are scared of your past, so you won't have a future with someone who really cares.  You won't get too attached.  You want all the positive but none of the negative.  You know I'm more of a family to you than most of the family you have.  You never have had any real responsibility.  You've always been able to rely on your dad and his money.  Today is the day.  Today is the day you need to decide what you want from me, from us.  This is an emotional rollercoaster that needs to stop.  I love you more than I have ever loved anyone before but I need a commitment.  We have been living together like we're married for the last year and a half..... it's time to shit or get off the pot.  No more talking to Sara.  No more talking about a "future" that I can't really believe in because you aren't willing to commit.  No more dodging conversations and questions.  I am willing to give anything for you and your happiness.  I don't know that you are the same way.  If you are, I need you to prove it.  If you want to be with me forever then you need to make that happen, if you don't know yet then the answer is no, you don't, and you need to stop being such a pussy and leave me alone to find someone who can love me the way I deserve.  I was fine before I met you and I would be fine without you.  I love you, but if you don't love me back the same way then I need to move on.  I wouldn't ask you to give up biking and skiing, you can't ask me to give up a marriage and a family for you.  Tonite you either decide you want to marry me... or tonite we break up.  You can't break me because I won't let you.  Don't think so highly of yourself that I can't live without you in my life.  Don't sideline your life for me, I thought you were happy with me, that you loved me. "What if you should decide, that you don't want me there by your side, that you don't want me there in your life."  I'm ok with that.  I love you, but if you can't love me back that's fine.  I'm done chasing your love and admiration and trust and .... you.  I'm done chasing you David Black.  Love me or leave me.  There's no more time to decide.